'Bullying'

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D

Deleted member 34656

This is the key sentence. Stop doing the work. You don't say how old, but it's fair to say that the kid missed out on a maturing stage with being moved around, and is being left behind in terms of emotional development. Complaining to authority is part seeking their company and part seeking to have the other kids ordered to accept him, both inappropriate reactions.

Kids respond to motivation. You should give absolutely zero feedback when he seeks to involve authority figures - no reward, no punishment, no interaction at all. Just say something dismissive like 'I don't have time for that', without making eye contact, don't make or listen to any further comment,

At different times (so as not to be seen to as a reward for complaining) suggest small things he can do, age appropriate, for other kids his age. This will depend on how isolated he is from classmates and his age, but something like making a birthday card for a classmate. Don't make this an activity with an adult, leave him alone to do it. Tell him about the goal if appropriate, but don't harp on it.

When he makes an effort, praise him effusively, but not at any other time. Tell him that if he keeps making an effort it will work out, that it won't work every time he makes an effort, but it will work for sure if he keeps making an effort. Make it clear that the only route to adult approval or even attention is effort in the appropriate direction.

Brief other adults around - teachers, uncles, aunts and so on - on your strategy and ask them to follow it too.

My two cents.
Agree. His parents are doing the work. It appears they support his view of himself as victim. He cries, they step in.
 


mayoonmymind

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Bullying has become commonplace today.
I can only speak of the HSE.
NO ONE in the HSE is willing or capable of addressing the dreadful bullying that in rife within the HSE.
We have dozens of policies on the subject, YET, no one has the courage to take it on.
WHY?
 

Sense 0f Wonder

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Its the tyranny of the weak we see it here all the time...:evil:
I'm sure you're not that strong.

There is no tyranny of the weak. What a ninny. You can't be that strong if you are tyrannized by the weak :D

There is however a lowest common denominator. And you are it.
 

forest

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the bullies debate irritates me
Everyone seems to be trying find eternal parties to blame ie ask.fm or you get some wishy washy crap about anti bullying programs and engaging with the bullies

I believe for bullying from the mid teens onward in criminal penalties either with existing laws or new laws.
In regard physical harassment or attack and theft I would support imprisonment for the possibility of years
 
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Sense 0f Wonder

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OP, sounds like there may be a passive-aggressive thing going on.

This can be hard for people to handle. One never wants to be seen as indifferent to complaints, even if you suspect that they may be spurious. This attentiveness and empathy comes at a price in the presence of a passive-aggressive, however.

If the problem is debilitating to enough people (and I mean debilitating, nit "it pi55es me off") then consider getting a therapist involved. Alternatively, an effort needs to be made to listen to complaints such as yours too.

All that said, if there was bullying going on en masse in a town or village somewhere (for argument's sake), it is easy to imagine parents concocting a story about the victim being unstable.

So it would be wrong to take anyone's version of events at face value.
 

Reck-less

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the bullies debate irritates me
Everyone seems to be trying find eternal parties to blame ie ask.fm or you get some wishy washy crap about anti bulling programs and engaging with the bullies

I believe for bulling from the mid teens onward in criminal penalties either with existing laws or new laws.
In regard physical harassment or attack and theft I would support imprisonment for the possibility of years
I think you left out a letter!
 

luasgirl

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Where you say B should tell A the aggressor to '************************ off' - say in a work situation that is putting B in an awkward position, even if merited.
It might bring things to a head, sure, but A can then play dumb, allege abusive language and that could be the focus of the mgt response.
 

oggy

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All my life the one answer to bullying has been the best two words in english lanuage, FO ! It works

Anyway, to me peer pressure is a chronic problem more than it ever was and bullying is an automatic follow-on to that. A few years ago when I was in early 20's I ran a football team and there first came across peer pressure. Didnt fully grasp what was happening but in later life I certainly. Just 12 years ago I got involved with running a team and this time I saw peer pressure like never before. Today, I even note the extent of peer pressure in adults and its shocking the lack of stand up and FO in people to deal with it. Its a sad world in many ways
 
D

Deleted member 34656

Some good replies, thanks.

I think what's bugging me is that I'm not happy with my decision on this. I feel I should have told V's parents to try and sort things out with help of A's parents, and if that didn't work, come back to me.

Bullying is the hot potato these days and everybody thinks they are being bullied. If it's brought to me, I have to act. In a vast mjority of cases, the 'victim' is in fact receiving reasonable comeuppance for being a pain in the t!ts. Once they recognise that, the situation usually resolves pretty quickly.

I guess my job would be a lot easier if everybody and his granny wasn't constantly running to me with false bullying claims. If these people would just talk to each other it would save a lot of nonsense.
 

pippakin

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I'm sure you're not that strong.

There is no tyranny of the weak. What a ninny. You can't be that strong if you are tyrannized by the weak :D

There is however a lowest common denominator. And you are it.
You have no idea how strong I am or not.

Tyranny of the weak is not just visible here, all those calling for help, others smirking in their dirty little corners...Its also visible in every day life.

I don't know what in this instance you mean be 'lowest common denominator' Do explain...
 
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Some good replies, thanks.

I think what's bugging me is that I'm not happy with my decision on this. I feel I should have told V's parents to try and sort things out with help of A's parents, and if that didn't work, come back to me.

Bullying is the hot potato these days and everybody thinks they are being bullied. If it's brought to me, I have to act. In a vast mjority of cases, the 'victim' is in fact receiving reasonable comeuppance for being a pain in the t!ts. Once they recognise that, the situation usually resolves pretty quickly.

I guess my job would be a lot easier if everybody and his granny wasn't constantly running to me with false bullying claims. If these people would just talk to each other it would save a lot of nonsense.
So true but can't apply the victimhood then.

Neigbour of relative in UK who spoke with when visiting couple of weeks ago, she adopted couple of kids when they young, now in teens, lots of behavioural issues with kids and probably will be for life but they pleasant kids
Earlier in year one waiting for bus along with 2-3 other schools and 2 girls really go to town on him including stealing bus pass, all filmed while cheering group laughs and encourages. Coat ripped, bag gone through, assault etc.

Guy who filmed it put it on FB and took it down but not before mother of lad had downloaded it.

As kids get Local Authority support then involved very quickly.

All schools also involved very quickly, head of the lads school had parents in next morning in a shut the door conversation, she present and he was not pleasant about the kids activity making plain it is a police matter.
One of kids dad who did it is a cop and he had to sit through it and agreed it was and if mother wished to report it then it become big v quickly.

The other schools also moved quickly with parents involved and making clear all on tape and kids dealt with v quickly.

Lad had written apology letter from guy who videoded it but while he a part he also did everyone a favour as some parents denying it until they STFU when saw the video.

The mum jumped in v quickly and forced all the schools to really go to town on bullying including punishing perps.
 
D

Deleted member 34656

So true but can't apply the victimhood then.

Neigbour of relative in UK who spoke with when visiting couple of weeks ago, she adopted couple of kids when they young, now in teens, lots of behavioural issues with kids and probably will be for life but they pleasant kids
Earlier in year one waiting for bus along with 2-3 other schools and 2 girls really go to town on him including stealing bus pass, all filmed while cheering group laughs and encourages. Coat ripped, bag gone through, assault etc.

Guy who filmed it put it on FB and took it down but not before mother of lad had downloaded it.

As kids get Local Authority support then involved very quickly.

All schools also involved very quickly, head of the lads school had parents in next morning in a shut the door conversation, she present and he was not pleasant about the kids activity making plain it is a police matter.
One of kids dad who did it is a cop and he had to sit through it and agreed it was and if mother wished to report it then it become big v quickly.

The other schools also moved quickly with parents involved and making clear all on tape and kids dealt with v quickly.

Lad had written apology letter from guy who videoded it but while he a part he also did everyone a favour as some parents denying it until they STFU when saw the video.

The mum jumped in v quickly and forced all the schools to really go to town on bullying including punishing perps.
Had the mum no idea what was going on before this incident?

I've had some serious cases and in nearly all of them nobody noticed it was going on until it was too late (for the victim). Not saying they topped themselves but they needed serious help and staying on at the school was simply not an option, no matter what sanctions were brought.

Which is why nonsense claims distract from noticing real cases. Parents really need to cop on about this and stop making mountains out of molehills.
 

mayoonmymind

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the bullies debate irritates me
Everyone seems to be trying find eternal parties to blame ie ask.fm or you get some wishy washy crap about anti bullying programs and engaging with the bullies

I believe for bullying from the mid teens onward in criminal penalties either with existing laws or new laws.
In regard physical harassment or attack and theft I would support imprisonment for the possibility of years
I agree totally.
However, as you probably know, our stupid, detached judges only imprison those who cannot afford TV and/or dog licences.
All others, especially rapists, get suspended sentences. Thus, allowing them to have their fun again at someone else's expense.
No wonder the criminals are laughing at our judicial system.
Re.bullying, this should be addressed at source, though never is. We seem to be a country of cowards and PC fanatics.
 

mayoonmymind

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Where you say B should tell A the aggressor to '************************ off' - say in a work situation that is putting B in an awkward position, even if merited.
It might bring things to a head, sure, but A can then play dumb, allege abusive language and that could be the focus of the mgt response.
Yes, AND, not only the reaction you highlighted, BUT, when line management refuses to address the issue, are afraid of the bully or his parents, therefore isolating the victim. THIS IS THE MOST COMMON ISSUE OF ALL. Sheer cowardice.
 

ManOfReason

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What can you do? If the kid is a pain in the ass just tell you kids to steer clear but be otherwise polite. It it important that your kids know they don't have to be friends with everybody. We put too much pressure on kids to be mini-Mother Teressas, expecting them to put up with stuff we as adults would never tolerate.
 

mayoonmymind

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All my life the one answer to bullying has been the best two words in english lanuage, FO ! It works

Anyway, to me peer pressure is a chronic problem more than it ever was and bullying is an automatic follow-on to that. A few years ago when I was in early 20's I ran a football team and there first came across peer pressure. Didnt fully grasp what was happening but in later life I certainly. Just 12 years ago I got involved with running a team and this time I saw peer pressure like never before. Today, I even note the extent of peer pressure in adults and its shocking the lack of stand up and FO in people to deal with it. Its a sad world in many ways
I agree, however, bullies have a knack of rallying support and their version of the issue may be the one believed.
I thought as you do that a good FO would sort it. . . believe me, it doesn't.
In my case I made an official complaint following months of bullying and trying to get line management to address the problem. WHAT HAPPENED? NOTHING. The bullying continues until I informed HER, the bully, of my written complaint. That was the first she had heard of it. ( That's how the HSE deals with it) It eased, a bit, just a bit after that. Of course her friends ostracized me for my ''cheek''
Moral of this story is, management/authorities will not address it out of sheer cowardice.
 
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D

Deleted member 34656

Yes, AND, not only the reaction you highlighted, BUT, when line management refuses to address the issue, are afraid of the bully or his parents, therefore isolating the victim. THIS IS THE MOST COMMON ISSUE OF ALL. Sheer cowardice.
Exactly, whether B uses polite or not polite language makes no difference if management are looking for a pre-ordained result.
 
D

Deleted member 34656

What can you do? If the kid is a pain in the ass just tell you kids to steer clear but be otherwise polite. It it important that your kids know they don't have to be friends with everybody. We put too much pressure on kids to be mini-Mother Teressas, expecting them to put up with stuff we as adults would never tolerate.
What I see happening quite often is that the kid is a pain in the ass but when others steer clear this is identified as bullying ('exclusion', the expert parents say). The others are then forced to allow the kid to hang out with them. As you say, probably because the parents don't want to be around the little fecker themselves petunia

So, he carries on biting the others for no reason.
 
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Had the mum no idea what was going on before this incident?

I've had some serious cases and in nearly all of them nobody noticed it was going on until it was too late (for the victim). Not saying they topped themselves but they needed serious help and staying on at the school was simply not an option, no matter what sanctions were brought.

Which is why nonsense claims distract from noticing real cases. Parents really need to cop on about this and stop making mountains out of molehills.
Thing is there wasn't anything even lad said. It was a random made worse by fact it appears one of perps sisters attempted suicide because of bullying a year earlier.
Mum said fact that School Head pretty much gave parents option of dealt with quickly or police and every other head backed him meant no wiggle room for parents.
Kids know they step out of line then they excluded as its on file and parents have had to sign up to it makes it effective.
 

irish_bob

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I remember a good few years ago in the area where I live, two Fathers got into a argument over two kids fighting and one Father stabbed the other to death. It was noted that on the morning of the funeral that the two children were seeing playing together. SAD.

were they tinkers ?
 


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